Gentleness Isn't Trying to Be Perfect

"Turning our attention more inward, let's take a look at the problem of perfectionism. Perfectionist often believe that their neurosis affects only themselves, that their problem is such a part of who they are that it cannot be changed. But this is not true. Perfectionism plagues more than the obsessed one; it also harms those around her. The problem with perfectionism is that it comes from a heart that believes that it deserves to be-no, must be-perfect. Perfectionists base who they are on how well they do things. In other words, they serve their pride and their sense of self through their efforts. This is pride and has no meekness in it. The meek or gentle spirit is content with things, even imperfect things. She puts no demands on herself that don't come directly from God, and she accepts his grace in those moments when she fails. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV) The perfectionist has no time for grace, and in the path of perfectionism lies battered relationships that experience the prideful wrath of the moments when perfection fails. Gentleness carries with it a sober understanding of who we are: broken and frail, fallen and unrighteous. It agrees with pride, demand more of itself, as if it were better than others, but instead agrees with God that we are sinners saved by grace and unable to make ourselves perfect, no matter how hard we work. This should come as a relief to the perfectionist.
The lie that everything you do has to be perfect comes from the pit of hell. It argues with God over the true nature of your soul, sinful and broken, and it demands recognition for being, well, perfect. But gentleness makes no such demands. In peace it allows God to be all and so relies not on success or perfection to be the reward for hard work. Gentleness is freedom for the perfectionist-forever changing the subject to the Father and forever allowing success to be defined as loving God with everything and loving others as ourselves."

From Haley DiMarco in The Fruitful Wife (From Chapter 8 on Gentleness)

Wow; this hit home for a perfectionist like me. I can remember growing up and learning to just do things on my own, because in more ways than one, I learned to do things myself if "I wanted them done right and on time." I let those 'failures/sins' in others affect how I treated them and instead of seeing them as God sees them. Of course, God had plans to change my heart and how I saw people. He forced me to learn to lean on others in the body of Christ (instead of do everything myself) like when I was forced on my back for 9 weeks on bed-rest when I got rear ended pregnant with my first son. Through those times of fearing to even get up and go the restroom, I learned to lean on others and learn that things can get done even if it isn't 'my way' and in 'my time.' I had even more of my perfectionism shatter when I become a mother of two boys. Not only did the perfectionism in my body change but my safe haven. I've learned that it is more important and sane to have a joyful home and playful boys than have a perfect looking home that is spotless with toys hidden. And again as we down-sized our income and home from large engineering salaries to being in the ministry, my perfectionism in my dreams, living arrangements, clothing, location, activities, and other luxuries have all changed from a worldly perspective to focusing on what God values, eternal treasures that truly satisfy. And in this, I find more joy and peace. I rest more in the cross and less in what I've made for my life. Don't get me wrong, I still have so far to go and still struggle with missing the luxuries I used to have before entering full-time ministry. But I know that with God's guidance, He led us to this path and I've been blessed in so many ways. I thank God for His plan in my life and that He doesn't let me mess it up!


The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9 ESV)